Home

Today I read The Home Project blog by Julia Albain (www.homewardwandering.blogspot.com) and was inspired, so I thought that I would try come up with my own definition of home. Warning (to nonexistent readers) I will never be able to write as well as Julia Albain, so please don't judge my little blog next to hers. Of course, nobody is reading this, so... Anyways, I think that home is less about where you are and more about the people that you are with. You could live in a cardboard box on the side of a highway and if you had the people that you love around you, you would be at home. Home is not home if you are sitting by yourself, all alone. Home is love and friends and warmth, and the most expensive and luxurious penthouse apartment in NYC wouldn't be home if you had no one to share it with. "house" is an empty word, analytical, scientific, a place where you live. "home" is comforting and loving and will always accept you no matter where you are and what you are doing. I havn't found "home" yet, but everyone will someday, so I just have to keep my mind and heart open and keep looking.

Family

You may have noticed that I really havn't mentioned my family beyond my mother's disapproval of my choice of career. This is because I have mixed emotions about my family. My dad is mostly great and my little sister is a pain in my ass, but it is differen with my mom. There is no in between. We are either happy in each others company or she is making me feel like crap. Mostly the latter. I know what you are thinking. "oh, more typical teenage angst". That's not it at all. I want her to be proud of me. I try to do everything right but I never can. I'm never good enough. I just want her to see me. Me, and not the person she wants me to be. I can't be good enough for her. Please, just see me.

Things that are good

Today I had a good day, so I decided that I would keep up my good mood by making a list of things that I am grateful for.
1. My amazing, beautiful friends
2. The great coffee shop 5 minutes from my school
3. My part in the school play (yay!)
4. My dog
5. My iPod....seriously one of the best inventions on earth
6. Bad puns and/or jokes
So that is all for now (not that anybody is reading this) because I have to go eat pizza! Well not really have to....nevermind. I am talking to myself.
Love,
Hannah

I honestly have no idea

As you might have guessed, I don't know how to do this. I don't even know why I decided to start blogging in the first place. I guess I just need a place to be able to actually talk. Between you and me, there is a lot of guessing going on here. Probably nobody will read this, and if you do, please don't expect any powerful, mind-boggling realizations or even any very good writing. If you want that, check out Julia Albain's blog at www.homewardwandering.blogspot.com . SHE can write. I just want to say what I feel.
Have you ever felt that you are an accessory in someone else's life? It feels like everyone around you has a life and a home and you are just there to watch. Everything is swirling past me and I don't know where to go. I transferred schools 3 years ago. I have friends at my new school and a wonderful, amazing best friend from my old school and an incredible best friend forever who I never went to school with and it is better when I am with them. They will listen when I talk, without criticizing or judging. Sometimes, though, no one is there who will talk or just sit there listening. It feels like standing in a crowded room screaming, but nobody hears you. To put it plainly, it sucks.
I want to be an actress. Acting is when I feel free. I am whoever I can create. Wow, I really don't make sense right now. Anyway, I love it. I love the make up and the costumes and the backstage work and the panic when you forget your lines. When I am onstage, I can just let go. I want to go to college and get a BFA in theatre. I would do musical theatre, but my voice would make a cat being run over by a car sound like Idina Menzel. My mom hates this idea. I'm talking put-me-in-a-straitjacket-and-force-me-to-law-school hates it. She claims I am throwing away my education for something that will ultimately land me homeless under a bench. She claims that I am not thinking it through and that I wil change my mind. She claims a lot of things, but what she doesn't know is that I have a lot of time to think, and I know what I want. Acting is it. End of story.
Well this has been suitably depressing. I know that probably no one will read this but if you do, thank you for not running away screaming. I will try to be happier next time, it's just that I have been holding in a lot of things for a long time. So thanks for listening, and.....bye
Love Hannah